


Because She Warms My Fears Away

by VickyCarter



Category: Saint Seiya
Genre: Canon - Anime, Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, Everyone Is Alive, F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 22:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16184162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VickyCarter/pseuds/VickyCarter
Summary: Hilda writes in her journal about her fears that her relationship with Athena goes against Odin's wishes.





	Because She Warms My Fears Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pessi_mista](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pessi_mista/gifts).



Tomorrow morning, Athena will be leaving. She'll return to the country where she's known as Saori Kido, spending a week there, and then she'll travel back to Greece. 

At the moment, she's sleeping in my bed. Or maybe she's trying to fall back asleep. I woke her up with my rolling over from one side to another. She knows I keep a journal. So, when she asked me if there was something wrong, I didn't tell her about the tightness in my chest; I just said I'd forgotten to write my daily entry. She chuckled, telling me not to take my journaling habit that seriously, and that missing a day wouldn't be that bad. Still, I kissed her in the cheeks and lips, made up an excuse about losing motivation if I broke the streak, and got off the bed. I didn't tell her that I'd already written my daily entry hours ago, and that this is going to be an extra. This is going to be my way of coping with my fears while keeping them to myself, as I don't want to bother her. 

My fears. I've been thinking a lot about them lately. I believe this is the natural result of years of build up. 

In the afternoon, while we inspected the newest hothouse, my fears hit me hard, like a wave crashing against the rocks. There I was, standing right next to the woman I love in a warm environment that's so unnatural by Asgardian standards, surrounded by vegetables of all shapes, sizes, textures and colors. It should have been a joyous moment. My people has benefitted immensely from the food produced in our hothouse system, and the person who made the system possible in the first place thanks to her power and money was there to witness the results of her investment in our country. Yet, my mouth was so dry, and my hands visibly shook as I drank water, and when Athena asked me if I was fine, I had to take in a deep breath to gather the courage to lie to her, something I hate doing, but have to sometimes. On the other hand, just by looking at her face and sensing the embrace of her gentle cosmo, I did feel better. 

Athena has this dual ability of being at the root of many of my fears and also soothing them. That doesn't mean I blame her for how I feel, or that I expect her to alleviate my concerns, as those are all my fault. I'm a weak woman. I betrayed my own god and my own people by not being able to resist the influence of the Ring. And by accepting the help of a foreign deity, I may have committed several additional acts of treason. We are supposed to rely exclusively on Odin and submit to his will, aren't we? Yet, I agreed with it when Athena offered to bring the God Warriors back to life, even though Odin's silence on the matter should indicate to me that he didn't wish for their lives to be restored. I also agree with it whenever Athena expands her investments in Asgard and injects resources and technology in our country, even though Odin's refusal to break us free from our poverty should indicate to me that he wishes for us to be what we've always been until Ragnarök comes. 

I often find myself tempted to go back to old books I studied years ago, the treatises where I know I'll find confirmation for my fear that I'm a traitor. There are plenty of traditional texts by venerable philosophers and priests warning against the perils of not submitting to Odin's will and giving our hearts away to other gods. I still remember one particularly well-written theory about the possibility that Asgard will not be resurfacing after Ragnarök if we betray Odin. It caused a strong impression on 14-year-old me, and even today I'm afraid of rereading it. I'm afraid because I didn't just give my heart away to Athena. I've given her my body, my soul, my whole being. And I've been allowing her to change the fate of my Asgardian sisters and brothers. In doing that, I've given my people away to her as well. 

Sometimes, I feel that I cling too hard to what Freya says about it all. She says I shouldn't worry about old superstitions. She argues that if Odin truly opposed Athena, he'd have helped me defeat her back when I waged war against her, and he wouldn't have allowed her to revive the God Warriors, and he would have caused all of her projects in Asgard to fail. The schools and hospitals she funds would have collapsed, and the vegetables in the hothouses would have withered before reaching the tables of our people, and whoever found employment in one of Athena's businesses would have fallen pray to curses and disease. Finally, Freya claims, if Odin truly wanted to punish me, he wouldn't have allowed me to win my fight against Alberich when he tried to kill me last year. Instead, our god would have let Alberich take over power, and I'd never see Athena again. 

All of that seems perfectly sensible. But my sister is an optimist by nature, and even more so since Hagen came back from the dead and reunited with her. Freya is also very enthusiastic about my relationship with Athena, and often tells me I should really focus on enjoying it. I tell myself I shouldn't listen to her, because as much as I love my sister, she's perhaps too carefree, and it's my duty to be on alert at all times to identify danger when it approaches. 

Yet, rereading what I wrote so far, I do have to wonder if Freya isn't right after all. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to alleviate my conscience and pretend there's nothing wrong with my love for Athena. But maybe I'm actually being disrespectful and ungrateful to the woman who brought hope to my country and joy to my heart. 

There it is. Another fear. The fear that one day Athena will tell me I don't value her love as I should. How will I justify myself if that day comes? 

I think then I'd assure Athena that despite my tendency to wallow in concerns, nobody has the power to soothe them away like she does. Her smiles, voice, scent, hugs, kisses... The warmth of her cosmo... Her intelligence, kindness and patience... How could I not want to have such treasures in my life? Every time we call each other, share a meal, exchange letters, go horseriding together, make love, hold hands when nobody's looking, every single one of these moments gives me the certainty that our union is blessed by Odin. In fact, Athena makes me feel that we're blessed by all deities. 

The tightness in my chest is gone. Writing this entry did me good. Knowing myself, I'm sure my fears will come back later to haunt me again, but I don't want to think about them for now. My love will be leaving tomorrow, and I must enjoy her last hours here, for we both are busy women and still don't know for how long we'll have to rely on letters and phone calls before we can meet again. Therefore, it's time to close this journal, go back to bed, hug Athena and sleep to the lull of her soft scent and tender cosmo. It's time to just be by her side and let her warm my fears away, as she always does so well.


End file.
